Time loops and the infinite longing to merge with nature ~

As I settle into the magic unknown of the equinox portal, I am reminiscing on this time last year.

I am now coming close to 5 months postpartum and although I think postpartum is most definitely a longer recovery than the talked about, and suggested, 40 days (6 weeks), I am starting to feel like my body is able and willing to do some of the things it used to. My hair is falling out in clumps, and the tectonic plates of my psyche are shifting indescribably. The emotional weather pattern scattering the landscape of self is a little unpredictable, and waking and sleeping is all in the same world of the somewhat Dali-esque Mario kart level I am in. I’m unsure how many loops are in this round but I feel ready… at least this morning.

My daughter is all joy. And wide eyed curiosity. She loves people and she loves engaging, in a way that I see very few rare people hoping to engage in. Her hope for presence comes with a clean and pure request, a call for devoted attention, without an ounce of complex demand. She is a pristine bell. Sounding out to the Universe. Her innocence gives me a remarkable sense of energy, unconditional love, and the desire to stay honest ~ with her, myself, and others. She is nature, mirroring itself, without ego awareness, in the most authentic way.

This time last year ~ I was in my first trimester. Marzuki and I were in hospital around 3 times a week with the severe diagnosis of hyperemesis I had received at around 6 weeks. The ER staff were always kind and empathetic and eventually I became a scheduled outpatient where I would get pumped full of fluids and vitamins in the cancer ward. I felt a kind of softness in those rooms. Something bitter sweet and melancholy but real. The kind of realness I was missing from the outside world. Maybe the kind of realness that only dwells in the space where birth and death and nature reside ~

Marzuki had a really hard time at first going into the hospital. There was huge resistance. After losing both his parents and having his final moments with them in hospitals, his association with it meaning death and dying was heavy.

In time, and after a few comical experiences, and visits which had nothing to do with the pregnancy (like getting stung multiple times by a yellowjacket and realising I was allergic and in need of an epipen, ~ and a broken window falling on my finger which required multiple shots and a very drawn out process of cutting the ring off my elephant swelling hand) we established some sort of a healthy relationship with it, which indeed served us well in the end of our pregnancy journey, when our dear friend and doula Domino sat us down and asked us to open our minds and go through a hospital plan should we have to transfer in the labour process ~ which we did. It was the biggest blessing to have already sat with that fear of letting go of my home birth dream.

After 36 hours of labouring between the bathtub and bedroom, I very calmly and very lucidly asked my midwife, my mother and Marzuki to take me to the hospital. It was one of the most surrendered and empowered moments of my life. I’ll share more on our birth experience in another post, another time.

So as the leaves gently start to fall, and the days begin to turn crisp, I am enjoying hot cacaos in my special mugs, welcoming new ways of being and relating, new friendships, and old, the mystery of love and time, the warm glow of candle light, Ever’s deepening sense of self and joy, and the strength of my womanhood which has delivered me here, into this present moment, where I am finding solace in quiet mornings and words.